About ten years ago, I had eyeball surgery which implanted contact lenses right in front of my retinas. This allowed me to go glasses free for a long time. Recently, however, my left eye decided to act up and prevent me from reading street signs in smaller fonts. So I went to the eye doctor and got glasses.
I picked out a pair that I thought were cute. They are a dark red, and slightly cat-eye shaped. I thought they were sassy. My daughter, who was with me, didn’t veto them. She gave them a, “Well, if you like them…” which, given her age (13) and general inability to admit that I have done anything even remotely cool, is high praise. I even went out and bought lipstick to match them. See how cute?
Only, with my hair in a bun, and the red lipstick and the red glasses, what I saw was this:
In case you don’t recognize her, that’s Roz from Monsters, Inc. Roz has a cigarettes and whiskey voice, and is generally unpleasant.
This, I suppose, is no better or worse than my non-glasses physical doppelganger. The first time my hair was long enough to put up in a bun, I went to the gym. I was wearing sweat pants and a hoodie. I came home and my daughter took one look at me and decided that I looked exactly like Miss Trunchbull, the bully from the book/movie/musical “Matilda.” I wasn’t flattered, but I also couldn’t disagree. See for yourself:
Whenever I come home looking like this and my kids start to say something I feel the need to shout “SHOTPUT! JAVELIN! HAMMERTHROW!” just like Miss Trunchbull does. They think it’s funny. I do, too, I guess, though it doesn’t make me feel any kind of lovely.
Of course, even since I was a child people have told me that I look like Mayim Biyalik. This is infinitely more flattering. It’s also rather true. As proof, I offer this:
This is not, despite appearances, a picture of Mayim Biyalik as Amy Farrah Fowler on the Big Bang Theory. No, it was a picture of her, but my friend Allison Photoshopped my face onto hers, and not even my kids can tell the difference. It’s all a matter of perspective, then. I could be Roz, I could be Miss Trunchbull, or I could be ready for the cameras Mayim.
How we see ourselves is what we project to other people. I need to quit projecting unpleasant people. The actress who plays Miss Trunchbull, Pam Ferris, is actually rather pretty and very attractive when she is not in character. (It is notable that in the musical, the character is traditionally played by a man in drag.) I need to remind myself that I am Pam and Mayim, not Roz and Miss Trunchbull.
Maybe if I stare hard enough in the mirror I can see that. Or maybe I’ll just quit looking in the mirror at all.
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Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side. Her latest book, “If You Did What I Asked in the First Place” was a number one Amazon Hot New Release in the Fall of 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here.