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Articles in category: Uncategorized

To Yap or Not to Yap. July 6, 2018

For reasons I do not care to get into right now (though trust me, everyone is fine now) I have spent a lot of time in hospital waiting rooms lately.  These are odd little microcosms of society that have not been studied sufficiently by trained sociologists.  Therefore, I took it upon myself to make some…

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Yes, I Think I’m Funny June 22, 2018

I Think I’m Funny I have this absolutely non-humorous, borderline boring, slightly academic theory on humor, which is that laughter is the pinnacle of mindfulness. That is, when you are laughing, you are entirely in the moment in which you are laughing, and completely unaware of physical and emotional pain or distress, or anything else…

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Ode to a Varsity Chili Dog May 25, 2018

If you find yourself heading to Atlanta and you post something on social media like, “Going to the ATL – where should I eat?”  9,999 out of 10,000 people who reply will tell you to go to the Varsity.  The Varsity is a fast food joint, I guess, in that it serves hamburgers and hot…

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Things You’ll Never Hear Me Say April 27, 2018

For years now, I’ve been writing these columns and you’ve been hearing a lot of things I’ve had to say.  I am not sure I will ever run out of rants.  My opinions have changed over time as my horizons have expanded and my viewpoints have matured.  I’ve found myself saying some things that I…

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Pollen Season and Yellow Snow April 14, 2018

In light of record high pollen counts and the glue that has become every bodily fluid I produce, I thought this article from 2016 was worth republishing. I have a superpower.  I can take ordinary grocery items, like lettuce and milk and Little Debbie Snack Cakes, and turn them into pounds and pounds of pollen-induced…

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Golden Anniversary and Advice March 30, 2018

On April 6, 2018, just a few days from when I am typing this, my parents will have been married for fifty years. Yup, their golden anniversary has arrived. There are a number of miracles at play here. My parents did not have a particularly romantic beginning, though if you know them, you won’t be…

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Essential Tremor March 16, 2018

 This is what happens when I try to hold my book because of my Essential Tremor. As if I weren’t physically awkward enough, as if my weird, clunky walk weren’t enough, and my graceless inability to walk through a doorframe without hitting one side or another with my shoulders weren’t enough, I have been…

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The Real Toilet Paper Wars February 16, 2018

I am a big fan of indoor plumbing.  I am NOT a fan of indoor plunging.  There is nothing more gag-producing than jamming a wood-and-rubber plunger into a poo filled toilet and slurping it up and down to unclog a septic system.  Especially if the poo in question is not your own.  Seriously, people.  Did…

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Mrs. Potato Head February 2, 2018

I have always looked like I came from Russian peasant stock.  I have a face that looks like it was carved from a potato. My broad shoulders were designed for swinging a pickaxe through Siberian permafrost to get at root vegetables, and my hips are wide enough to bear a whole passel of fat babies. …

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Miss Trunchbull January 19, 2018

About ten years ago, I had eyeball surgery which implanted contact lenses right in front of my retinas.  This allowed me to go glasses free for a long time.  Recently, however, my left eye decided to act up and prevent me from reading street signs in smaller fonts.  So I went to the eye doctor…

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