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The Real Toilet Paper Wars February 16, 2018

toilet paperI am a big fan of indoor plumbing.  I am NOT a fan of indoor plunging.  There is nothing more gag-producing than jamming a wood-and-rubber plunger into a poo filled toilet and slurping it up and down to unclog a septic system.  Especially if the poo in question is not your own.  Seriously, people.  Did you not notice the floaters when you left the room?

I find myself plunging a higher than average number of toilets.  I am convinced that it is because of the number of people in my orbit (work, home) who insist on fluffy toilet paper which swells and sticks and clogs it all up.  My husband insists that the toilets in our house clog so often because none of us know how to flush a toilet properly.  (Seriously?  Is there a WRONG way?  He says there is.  He says you have to hold the handle down.  I say that’s a recipe for toilet water flooding all over your feet.  It’s bad enough when the plunger kicks up some drops that land on my shoes and shins in a cloud of stink that follows me the rest of the day.  Besides, holding the handle down DOES.  NOT.  WORK.)

This dilemma has resulted in passionate arguments in the office.  When I buy the TP, I buy the large rolls of cheap, thin toilet paper.  Apparently this offends the nether regions of the people I work with.  I mean, I get that the stuff isn’t soft like puppy fur, but for the 20 seconds a day that it comes into contact with your parts it will do.  It isn’t sandpaper, for crying out loud.  It doesn’t scrape away sensitive skin or cause injury.  It merely does not caress.   I do not need microfiber toilet paper.  I need something that has a little friction so it will successfully clean away all the waste I’d rather not take with me when I leave the ladies’ room. 

So this morning, at a work related breakfast thingie, when I found myself sitting across from my friend Renee Park, I had to ask her a question.  Renee, in case you didn’t know, is the Queen of Plumbing where I live.  She and her husband own and operate TAPP Plumbing.  “Renee,” I said.  “I need you to resolve an argument.  Does fluffy toilet paper clog the toilet worse than the other kind?”

“Yes!” She said with way more enthusiasm you’d expect anyone to be able to muster over such a topic.  “That stuff is like concrete!  It doesn’t matter if you use 20 times as much of the other stuff, it will break apart.  The fluffy stuff will be there forever.” 

“Can I record you saying that?” I asked, sure my husband and coworkers would not believe me if I merely relayed her opinion.

Renee was game, and gave me permission to post that video here:

 

 

So, you do what you want to do.  I’ve got my answer from an expert. 

FYI, she had no firm opinion on the over/under of the roll on the holder. 

If you enjoyed this and want to read more like it, visit Lori  on Twitter, or on Facebook. Lori is the Readers Favorite and eLit award winner for her latest release, “You Know I Love You Because You’re Still Alive.”  She is also the author of the bestselling books “Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza,” and “The Armadillo, the Pickaxe, and the Laundry Basket.

 

Lori B. Duff is the author of the Amazon ‘Hot New Release’ Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza, a collection of autobiographical humor essays. The hard copy of the book can be found on Amazon & BarnesandNoble.com and select local retailers. The e-book can be found here. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here.

The Real Toilet Paper Wars

1 Comment

  1. ernie

    We fortunately don’t have a septic tank, but there are many of us living under one roof. Not everyone is on the same toilet paper page. My husband is the designated plunger in these parts. He goes nuts if he discovers that someone has over-indulged in tp, because he knows they will back up the toilet and he will have to save the day. I refuse to buy the fluffy tp. I tried once, but my family didn’t grasp that they needed to use less because the fluffy kind is so thick. Back to the thin version.

    Reply

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The Real Toilet Paper Wars

1 Comment

  1. ernie

    We fortunately don’t have a septic tank, but there are many of us living under one roof. Not everyone is on the same toilet paper page. My husband is the designated plunger in these parts. He goes nuts if he discovers that someone has over-indulged in tp, because he knows they will back up the toilet and he will have to save the day. I refuse to buy the fluffy tp. I tried once, but my family didn’t grasp that they needed to use less because the fluffy kind is so thick. Back to the thin version.

    Reply

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Lori Duff

Lori B. Duff is the author of the Amazon ‘Hot New Release’ Mismatched Shoes and Upside Down Pizza, a collection of autobiographical humor essays. The hard copy of the book can be found on Amazon & BarnesandNoble.com and select local retailers. The e-book can be found here. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here.

The Real Toilet Paper Wars February 16, 2018

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