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If I Had A Jillion Dollars December 6, 2014

Lori Duff Writes about how the world would be a better place if she only had a jillion dollars.

I would make a fabulous rich person. I don’t mean merely a person with a lot of money, I mean one of those ridiculously rich people who are worth so much that it isn’t worth their time to stoop to pick up a twenty dollar bill.

Hear me out – I’m not saying the world needs people with that kind of scratch, I’m just saying that if the world has to have those kinds of people, I think I should be one of them.  I am worthy, and want to plead my case.

Don’t get me wrong: I would build my dream house, complete with a library with one of those rolling ladder things and big leather armchairs and ottomans, a music room with grand piano and kickin’ sound system, a home theater, and a gym complete with on-staff trainer and masseuse.  But that’s just for ME.  And it would employ quite a few contractors and sub-contractors and architects and decorators and chauffeurs and masseuses.  I would personally reduce the unemployment rate.

I would stimulate the economy by buying a lot of nice gifts for those people who have been nice to me.  Nice gifts.  Not the kind you plaster on a fake grin for and then stick in a closet until you figure out who else you can pawn it off on.  I would even buy some gifts for some people who haven’t been nice to me, just to show that I am a kind and benevolent person who is able to forgive, even if I never ever ever will forget.  (Forgiving is healthy.  Forgetting is for fools – once bitten, twice shy, that’s what I say.)  I would buy all of these gifts from local merchants and buy as many handmade, unique items as I could to support local artists and to reward creativity.

I would also do good works.  I would give an endowment to the Boys & Girls Club in Monroe so they would never have to scramble for money and so they could pay the staff handsomely to get the best of the best.

I would make sure that my synagogue stayed financially sound.

I would start a philanthropy called “The Kickstart Foundation” which would offer no-strings-attached micro-loans to people who just need a kickstart in order to get started.  You know.  Victims of domestic violence.  Foster children who have just graduated from the system.  The working poor with whopping medical bills. Deserving people who just need a hand.

I would open a book store that probably wouldn’t be self-supporting, but which would provide a great service.  I would only feature books that are written well, which would knock out a lot of bestsellers.  I would highlight struggling, talented indie authors.  It would be decorated with paintings and other artwork from undiscovered artists, all for sale.  I would only employ people who get excited by questions like, “What should I read next?”  Underneath each book on the shelf would be a little card with a note from someone who works at my store (or me) saying what we liked about it.  If no one has read it, and/or if no one likes it, it doesn’t get sold.

Naturally, there would be coffee sold there at reasonable prices.  There should be coffee everywhere.  Coffee makes everything better.  I would start a campaign to make it the national beverage.

I would give money to politicians that I support (assuming I could actually find one worth supporting) anonymously to avoid the buying and selling of offices or even the appearance of it.

I would make sure my children were comfortable, but not too comfortable.  The best schools, the best opportunities, but not enough in their trust funds to live off of for a lifetime, unless they live frugally.  Of course, given my daughter’s current love of Ramen Noodles, she could probably pull it off.  All she wants right now is Ramen Noodles and Netflix.  I’m pretty sure she would live in a box so long as she had Ramen Noodles and Netflix and an oversized hoodie.

I would somehow figure out a way to buy coolness for band geeks  everywhere.

In conclusion, I’d be a great jillionaire.  Don’t you think?  Don’t you want me to be fabulously wealthy so I can make all this a reality?  I just have to figure out how to get that way.  Simply being deserving of it is not making it happen.   Any ideas?

If I Had A Jillion Dollars

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If I Had A Jillion Dollars

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Lori Duff

Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side.  Her latest book, "If You Did What I Asked in the First Place" was awarded the Gold Medal for humor in the Foreword INDIES awards in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here. If you want Lori to help you market your book, click here.

If I Had A Jillion Dollars December 6, 2014