Lori Duff Writes

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

It’s a proverb attributed to Saint Ambrose back in the fourth century. It’s good advice, that’s why it’s lasted almost two thousand years. It’s simple: when you’re on someone else’s turf, you should conform to their norms, not impose your own on their society. Try to fit in.

I was recently in Rome, and I did that. I learned rudimentary Italian and used olive oil instead of butter on my bread.

I’m home now, and I just want to be me. I’m not in Rome, so I shouldn’t have to act like the proverbial Romans.

I was raised to be patriotic. America is great because, unlike other countries, we are free. We are free to worship as we please: there’s no state religion. We are free to speak our minds: the first amendment guarantees that. We are free to do whatever we want so long as it doesn’t take away from other people. The fact that we disagree is what makes us great. Civil discourse and critical thinking keep our minds open to new ideas.

Lately, though, I feel like I’m visiting Rome while I’m at home. I’m Jewish, and I live in a community in which people I thought were my friends are loudly lamenting that we are no longer a Christian community. I’m sure they mean me no ill-will, I’m sure they think I’m a good visitor to Rome, following all the Roman ways with my conservative personal choices.

But I don’t want to be a visitor. I’m home. Traveling is fun, it’s interesting, it’s educational, but it can be exhausting. I just want to sleep in my own bed.

It’s no secret that my son is gay. He’s been open about it since he was fourteen. I love him and support him and would never be so arrogant as to tell him that I know better than he does who he loves. In fact, I’m proud of his choice. Anthony is kind and generous and wicked smart, funny and (according to my husband, this is the highest of all praise) a really good driver.

My brilliant and handsome son, hardworking and law-abiding, is someone who, according to social media, my neighbors think they need to protect their children from. [1]

Yeah, I’m not even sure I like visiting Rome.

I do try to fit in, of course I do. We never really get over the high school cafeteria, do we? None of us want to bring our lunch into the bathroom and hide in a stall to eat it. We all want to be invited to sit at someone’s table, to feel like we belong. Even if we don’t like high school very much, we still want to be asked to the homecoming dance.

Maybe it’s politics, maybe it’s menopause, maybe it’s just a mood, I can’t say exactly. But the voices telling me I’m a visitor in Rome are the same ones that seem to be implying that my visa is expiring.

I’m not sure where I’ll go, or when. I’ll probably wait until my children land somewhere permanent and follow them. I miss my babies.

I doubt they’ll move back to Rome. Not if they have a choice. And this is America the Free. They do still have choices. That’s why I love this country.

[1] Yes, they are absolutely entitled to their opinions, and they are entitled to express those opinions in whatever forum they choose. All I’m saying is that it’s a constant reminder that I’m visiting my proverbial Rome.

Buy my book, Devil’s Defense, or the audiobook, preorder the sequel, Devil’s Hand, and/or find me on Substack.

Lori Duff

Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side.  Her latest book, “If You Did What I Asked in the First Place” was awarded the Gold Medal for humor in the Foreword INDIES awards in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here. If you want Lori to help you market your book, click here.