I’d Like to Buy the World a Macie May 28, 2024
I have a friend who, for purposes of this story, we will call Mandi. Mandi and her office friends treat themselves, from time to time, to Starbucks. One of them will order for all of them on the Starbucks app and then go and pick it up and bring it to the office. Sweet, fru-fru coffee helps on those hard days.
One day, it was Casie’s turn to pick up the Starbucks drinks for Mandi and her friends. She saw four drinks lined up on the counter, glanced at the labels to make sure they had her name on them, and snatched them up, not wanting to be absent from the office for too long.
Casie handed Mandi her drink, an iced coffee. Only it wasn’t an iced coffee. It was an elixir of the heavens. Manna. Ambrosia. A sum much greater than its parts. A more intense look at the label on the cup and some detective work lead the women to conclude that Casie had accidentally picked up the drink of a persnickety genius by the name of Macie who was now stuck with Mandi’s pedestrian, ordinary iced coffee.
Macie’s concoction had a list of ingredients and instructions as long as a CVS receipt. Only someone who regularly sent food back to the kitchen would ever order such a drink.
Mandi wanted another Macie, but was embarrassed to order it. Thank goodness for the app, which allowed her to do it in anonymity, though when she picked it up she had to keep her head low and grab it off the counter in a hurry lest anyone recognize her.
Not long afterwards, I went on a road trip with Mandi, and she introduced me to the Macie. It was exactly as advertised.
And, because I am all about public service, I give you the order here:
You have to call it a Grande Iced Latte, though you substitute every ingredient, just because you have to check a box on the app. Then:
In a Venti cup
Vanilla Cold Foam
Almond Milk
Extra Ice
Blonde Espresso
Triple Shot
4 Pumps Toffee Nut Syrup
Cinnamon Powder
You cannot substitute any of these steps. Mandi has tried. You need the bigger cup to accommodate the extra ice. You need the extra ice to keep it cold. You need the extra shots to keep it from getting watered down as the ice melts. Almond milk gives it a nutty flavor that cow milk doesn’t. Blonde espresso keeps it from being too harsh. You can’t drink it through a straw – believe me, I tried! – because you have to sip it through the cold foam and cinnamon powder, which lasts as long as the drink does if you get it in these proportions.
Yes. It is absolutely ridiculous. In a world in which 2.2 billion people don’t have access to clean drinking water[1], caring this much about the details of your overpriced coffee drink is insane on a borderline criminal level.
And yet. Life is hard. It’s hard even when you have ready, unlimited access to clean drinking water through multiple taps in your warm, dry home. People die. People hurt you. Sad, difficult things happen. Whether I get a Macie or not will not affect the ability of those 2.2 billion people to drink clean water. But it may give me the energy and peace of mind to do something about it.
As a 53-year-old, middle class white lady who owns a minivan, I’m the kind of person who walks into a store and the staff braces themselves. It is assumed I will want to speak to the manager. I never want to speak to the manager, but they don’t know that. I have been profiled, and probably rightly so. I look like I have the privilege I do in fact have. I wish everyone had that privilege. I’d like to buy the world a Macie/And keep it company.[2] It’s the real thing.
[1] So says the World Health Organization in 2022. I can’t imagine it’s changed much in two years.
[2] I’m aware that only people over 40 will get this joke, so I probably shouldn’t end on it, but, dammit, I have no editor to tell me what to do. For those of you youngsters who want to know what I’m talking about, it’s this: https://youtu.be/1VM2eLhvsSM?si=EWJv-YlrplG0EP0i
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Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side. Her latest book, “If You Did What I Asked in the First Place” was awarded the Gold Medal for humor in the Foreword INDIES awards in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here. If you want Lori to help you market your book, click here.
I’d Like to Buy the World a Macie
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