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EverClear-ly Sober December 10, 2024

everclear
Blank Liquid Canvas Indeed

This one goes out to all of my Gen X peeps who ever stood around a 40-gallon garbage can filled with Kool-Aid and grain alcohol in the late 80’s or early 90’s wearing acid washed jeans and pretending to be sophisticated.

We were reminiscing about the early days of COVID-19 of all things, when toilet paper and hand sanitizer were in short supply. We talked about how we made do, and how Everclear™ stood in for cleaning supplies in the bad days.[1] I reached into our liquor cabinet for our bottle of Everclear, left over from those times, to see if it was, as memory served, pure alcohol, or if it was less so.[2]

I noticed on the bottle that there was a website, so I went to that website: EVERCLEAR® | A Blank Liquid Canvas | Unleash Your Creativity.  There, I found a masterclass in marketing. If you Google “Everclear” you will find videos like “How to Drink Everclear and Not Die.”  Which is what I expected. The website? Classy. Seriously classy. It made Everclear out to be not semi-drinkable jet fuel, but the answer to most of your problems. The pictures are dramatically lighted and frame worthy. This is no low-rent operation.

It was educational, too. Everclear makes your white laundry “pop”. Everclear makes your pie crusts flakier. Apparently, Everclear “bonds fat and water molecules to amplify the flavor of other ingredients.” Due to its unique fat-and-water bonding properties, you can not only make your own infusions, but your own cleaning products, because Lord knows that much alcohol would sterilize an operating room.

The website stopped just short of saying that Everclear would stop voter fraud and undocumented immigrants from crossing the border. Though honestly? From experience I can tell you that a shot of pure Everclear would prevent you from crossing anywhere but into a dreamless sleep.[3]

 I’m making fun of it, sure, but I want to make sure my admiration, as pure as Everclear itself[4], comes through. This was a tough job that someone did admirably. I associate Everclear with getting power drunk: with college parties and regrettable hookups and testing the outer limits of one’s wings. One bottle of Everclear, a 40 gallon Hefty bag[5], a tub of Kool-Aid and a garden hose was a relatively cheap and effective party. You could blame bad decisions on bad alcohol and no one would blame you.

But we grew up into responsible adults, and so did our alcohol. It killed the germs during a pandemic, and now it provides a ‘blank liquid canvas’ for our cranberry sauce and herbal infusions.

Maybe we’re no fun anymore. But we can remember what we did last night.


[1] Everclear, for those of you fortunate enough not to know, is a brand of grain alcohol which is technically potable, but strong enough to give you alcohol poisoning simply from the smell.

[2] Less so.  ‘Only’ 95% — 190 proof. 

[3] With any luck, a sober friend will ensure that you are turned on your side so you don’t choke on your own inevitable sick.

[4] 95%

[5] It had to be Hefty, because the other brands were, as the commercials said, Wimpy Wimpy Wimpy and a hole would not only lead to leakage but contamination.

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Lori Duff

Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side.  Her latest book, "If You Did What I Asked in the First Place" was awarded the Gold Medal for humor in the Foreword INDIES awards in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here. If you want Lori to help you market your book, click here.

EverClear-ly Sober December 10, 2024

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