Lori Duff Writes

To exit Hell, please enter your one-time double-factor authentication code we sent to an email address you no longer have the password to.

I got a new computer. The screen on it is so big that I named it “Lori’s IMAX” in our network. It’s super fast—so fast that even the tech guy I had to get in to hook me to the network printer said, “Lord, that’s fast!” It’s fast cuz it’s fast, but also because I haven’t yet gummed up its electronic gears with cookie dust.[1] For the most part, I’m excited to join the 21^st century. 

But.

There’s always a but.

Although cloud-based computing has allowed me to easily transfer over all my files and apps from my old computer, for some reason, my saved password list doesn’t automatically pop up. So every time I have to sign on to something I have to go look up the password and type it in manually. And then prove that I’m me.

I get it—we live in a sophisticated electronic world, and there are bad actors out there who would love nothing more than to get access to my files.  They can do that from a basement in a developing nation and potentially get rich.

But this double-triple-quadruple authentication thing? Seriously. I’d rather someone hack my Facebook account.

I spent an entire day in double-authentication hell. I clicked on pictures of bicycles.  I muttered six-digit codes under my breath over and over until I could type them in. I tried to copy illegible letters and numbers to prove my humanity. I got exactly no work done that day.

I’m not resentful of the people who require me to jump through seventeen hoops just to see what’s in my bank account. In a vacuum, I’m grateful to them: they’re doing their best to protect me from fake me who wants to steal from me.

No, I’m resentful of a world in which this is necessary. Most people, I think, if they had access to my passwords, might just say some variation on ‘huh’ and then move on with their day. But those rotten apples? They’ve spoiled it for everyone in this barrel we call Earth.

What’s the point of having a super-fast computer if it takes me five minutes to get all the codes and multiple devices just so I can spend ten minutes wading through spam emails until I get to the one, buried important one? What’s the point in being able to do tasks quickly if getting to the task takes as long as it takes grass to grow.

The point is safety. I get it. It’s harder for people to steal from me, electronically ruin my reputation,[2] or see my secrets.[3] I’m a law and order gal who likes having rules to follow because it takes the guesswork out of a lot of things. I should be happy with things that promote law and order.

And yet, and yet. I just wish people would act right in the first place. Malefactors should be in a hell more punishing than the outer-ring that is double-authentication. They should atone not only for their crimes, but for punishing the (relatively) innocent.

Until then, I’ll be here, begging a piece of machinery to believe I am made of flesh and blood.

[1] Accept all cookies?  Sure! Who turns down free cookies?

[2] I mean, I spend so much time electronically ruining my own reputation. I don’t know why anyone else would bother.

[3] Note: I don’t really have any personal secrets. Anyone who has read this column more than twice knows that. But professionally? I keep a lot of secrets for my day job.

If you enjoyed this and want to read more like it, visit Lori on Twitter or on Facebook or read her award winning books.  You can order her novella, “Broken Things”, by clicking here.  The audiobook can be found on Audible or iTunes.  You can pre-order her novel “Devil’s Defense” coming in November 2024.

Lori Duff

Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side.  Her latest book, “If You Did What I Asked in the First Place” was awarded the Gold Medal for humor in the Foreword INDIES awards in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here. If you want Lori to help you market your book, click here.