- Marge N. Charge
Marge is seriously bossy. She doesn’t care about your agenda. Her agenda is to make this the most successful bake sale in the history of the PTO. This bake sale matters to her. The fate of the free world hangs in the profits. You will do what she says, and you will do it now, with no complaint or variation. You don’t like Marge much, but you’re glad she’s around because it means you don’t have to be in charge of anything.
- Dressy Betsy
Betsy came to this event dressed like she’s going out for cocktails. She’s wearing impractical heels, lots of jewelry, and she spent at least 45 minutes fixing her hair. Her manicure will get in the way of tying balloons but, God bless her, at least she showed up.
- Mike (or Doug or Steve) Beige
There’s always one lonely, hapless guy. He wants to be a good Dad, and he’s trying, but he is totally overwhelmed by the room of women. If there’s a job grilling or carrying stuff, he’s on it. He’s wearing khaki cargo pants and a polo shirt, and one of his shoes is untied. He makes two or three bad jokes, and then gives up and only speaks when spoken to.
- BeeBee Stinger
BeeBee is the woman who hasn’t stopped moving since her son started Pre-K. She cut out seven hundred and fifty stars out of white felt simply because Marge told her to. She doesn’t even know what they are for. She is the one who does the icky jobs no one else wants to do. No one asked her to do them, she just did them because they needed to be done. She gets none of the credit. Most people don’t even know her real name.
- Jabba the Mom
Jabba thinks she’s Marge, or maybe she thinks she’s BeeBee, but she’s really just in the way. She is always standing exactly where you need to be. You’ve never seen her do any actual work, but boy is she tired from not doing it.
- Mother Mary
Mother Mary wants you to know what she sacrificed to be here to monitor the tug o’ war at field day. No one’s life is harder, or more difficult, or contains more reasons why she should not be required to volunteer. But she is here, because it is All About the Children (clutches chest.)
- Drama Mama
Drama Mama works alongside you pouring popcorn into little bags at Bingo Night. She seems nice and friendly, but fifteen minutes in you know all about her impending divorce and the reasons therefor. You also know why her brother is in jail, and why child protective services got involved that one time. She might or might not show you a scar. You smile and nod a lot.
- Bahama Mama
Bahama Mama has a flask in her purse. She will probably let an f-bomb fly a few times. The kids all love her the most.
- Gladys Kravitz
Gladys knows every thing about every body, and she tells you in a stage whisper that’s just a little bit too loud. You have no idea if you are supposed to laugh or be horrified.
- Last Minute Lisa
Last Minute Lisa has the best of intentions. She pinned the cutest Halloween cupcakes on her aspirational Pinterest board and went so far as to buy two-thirds of the necessary ingredients, including the hard to find black licorice whips. But when push came a-shoving, she showed up twenty minutes late with a box of off brand chocolate chip cookies.
Which of these parents are you? Have I missed any?
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Lori B. Duff is an award-winning author who practices law on the side. Her latest book, “If You Did What I Told You…” is set to be released in the Fall of 2019. You can follow her on Twitter at @LoriBDuff and on Facebook. For more blogs written by Lori, click here. For more information about Lori in general, click here. If you want Lori to do your writing for you, click here.